To my Fans Club

I apparently have a "Fans Club" at the gym I frequent. 

On July 22, my gym instructor approached me and apologized. "You know, I've known you for 3 months, yet I don't even know your name."

I laughed. "It's Nurjean. You can call me, Nurj."

And I mercilessly teased him to remember my name because we already knew each other for 3 months.

"You know, there have been a lot of guys here who asked me for your name."

"Oh, is that so?"

Then the conversation died and I went around to hit the weights. One hour later, I approached Migz to say goodbye."You could tell whoever asked my I said 'Hi'." I told him.

My gym instructor laughed. "There are a lot of them! They keep asking me for your name. You apparently have a fans club here. They tell me you're cute."

"Oh is that so? Just tell them I said hi!" I laughed and got my things to change my clothes.

On my ride back home, I couldn't help but rewind the conversation Migz (gym instructor) and I had.

So some guy found me attractive.

Some guys found me attractive.

Some guys never approached me to ask my name. (There was one though, his name was Charlie. Charlie gives me a candy every time we meet)

Sometimes, I forget that I'm an attractive person. I grew up feeling like an ugly duckling. I was a late bloomer. Yeah, I never felt attractive, even if I got a lot of compliments that I am by the time I reached college and found a job.

I guess what some people say is true. Even if you change the exterior, if the interior is still the same, then there's not much change at all.

I didn't know if I was amused or if I was sad.

I was amused because I apparently have a "fans club". I've heard rumors from a suitor that he heard there were a lot of guys interested in me. I dismissed it because I never felt that I held the interests of men. I've heard rumors at work that I'm somewhat popular with my male colleagues because of my looks and 'kindness'". I didn't pay much attention to that because I never felt like attractive. Because every time I looked at the mirror, I saw the same 12 year old who never saw herself as someone beautiful or attractive.

Even if you change the exterior, if the interior is still the same, then there's not much change at all.

But still, I'm amused. There's a psychological effect called Dunning-Kruger Effect that explains that a person can be ignorant of their own incompetence. I wonder if there's a similar effect on how a person perceives their attractiveness.

On the other hand, I'm sad because none of those Fans Club even approached me to say hi. They just asked my gym instructor (who's a cool dude by the way). One reason I never felt attractive when I was younger because I never felt men paid attention to me. It's ironic though. Now that I'm older, I still don't feel men pay attention to me. I must be made of a heart of stone! LOL!

I don't blame them. I don't make a lot of eye contact at the gym too. I feel anxious when I'm in a new place surrounded by unfamiliar people. That' s why I opt not to make eye contact with people. I just look far far away....

So to my  "Fans Club".... I just wanted to say hi.