When you realize you're ugly

My mother pictured me happily playing with the dog. It was an unflattering picture, I tell you.

Not because the dog wasn't cute. The dog was adorable! How could you not find a Shih Tzu cute?

My mom...took and posted an unflattering picture of me.

She was incredibly happy. No, she was not gloating how ugly I was in the pic. She was happy that I was happy with the dog when she pictured us.

I, however, interpreted it differently.

Shit, I really am ugly. 

I wasn't at my best when she took the picture. I was wearing a comfortable over-sized shirt. My hair was wet and loose. My face was oily. Yeah. Not facebook material alright.

So when I accidentally saw it... you can guess my reaction.

I felt the whole world collapse. I went to my mom's bedroom and told her how I felt. Mom was plain happy of course. Couldn't blame her. So I just went to the computer to print some office reports when this idea hit me.

"You're concerned about ugliness huh? When have you been so obsessed about it? Everyone has their ugly points."

I opened my blogger account and typed the ideas I had about ugliness (this blog entry).

I was never conscious about being "ugly" before. it was only when I accepted the notion that I was supposed to be "beautiful"that things became messy and awkward for me. Like, I had certain physical standards to maintain. I had to maintain my physique. I had to maintain my face. I had to maintain how I presented myself... sometimes, it feels tiring.

I just want to be the woman who's comfortable wearing over-sized shirts, loose shorts with a mickey mouse headband at home.

That's my persona at home. Not the beautiful and softspoken lady you'd find when you visit me at the office. I am someone who doesn't really care about personal experiences when I'm in my house. Yeah, definitely NOT facebook material.

But still... no one lives on an island. I gotta conform you know? Gotta present myself to the society as presentable as I can.

No wonder some people post their most beautiful pictures online, as if presenting to the world how beautiful and happy they are (uh-oh, I can detect some bitterness here). I stopped posting mine, because I didn't constantly want to tell the world, "Hey look at me! Look at pretty little me, having the time of her life!"I let others take the pictures and post it online. I'd rather be the person enjoying the moment. I'm not saying that everyone who posts pretty pictures are , well, like bragging. Some people out there genuinely like to share pretty stuff. Good for them. But there are some who.. were, like to get validated. And I fear that I'm one of them. Hence, I'd rather not post pictures of myself anymore. I'd just like to keep them to myself, or share in a private group of friends. It's much more personal that way.

Now look at this piece of entry I've written here! All because of a picture!