Listen to your accountability partners

I've given shared my power with three important people in my life to reach my goals. 

My Mom.

My gym instructor. 

Nyu nyu. 

Today, on July 19 2016, Nyu Nyu made a comment to me that felt like a bucket of cold water was thrown at me. 

"Learn to be sensitive!"

We had agreed that I would come to her table and have lunch. I usually have lunch around 11:30 AM. It was around 11:45 AM when I visited her table and laid out my lunch box. 

Nyu nyu was still working on her report when she glanced at me, all prepped up and ready to it. 

With disbelief, she looked at me. "You're hungry? You're not sensitive. You gotta learn to be sensitive!" And off Nyu nyu went to the canteen to get her lunch. 

I sat there, stupefied. 

Wait, what did I just here?

I felt a bucket of cold water is doused at me. I began to rationalize. I began to reason out in my head. 

Then the answer became clear. 

A couple of days ago, I made a list of people whom I would trust and ask fro support to reach my goals. 

Nyu Nyu was one of them. I asked for her honesty and support. And she gave me her honesty, which I'm grateful. 

There's a reason why I prefer to eat alone. I get to do what I please to do. But it's a different matter when I share a table with people. Suddenly, it's not all about me. It's about us. Sometimes, it irks me. Because I'm not used to it. But... it's part of socialization. 

I'm actually grateful for Nyu Nyu's comment! 

The power of having an accountability partner!

The Voice of Insecurity can be such a bitch

When I joined the Courage Club, I had one thing mind. 

I am going to write and sell a freaking ebook. 

I was going to write a freaking book on money and I was going to sell it. One way or another.

My boss fight?

It's the monster called insecurity.

Insecurity is the voice that tells me,  "Who are you to write and sell a book?"

Insecurity is the voice that tells me, " How could you possibly write and sell an ebook, when you've hardly finished the fanfiction you wrote and you're scaredypants of selling online?"

Insecurity is the voice that tells me, "Just who are you, really, to even dare to dream like this?"

Insecurity is a vicious bitch. 

And it's a bitch worth fighting against.

Because that bitch is a part of me.

It's something that's sitting by the corner of the deep recesses of my psyche. As Carl Jung would put it, My shadow. 

It's the voice that's afraid, because it knows that when I take the first steps, when I take the choice to make a change, it'll lose the comfortable world it's ever known--- inactivity.

And I have been inactive for years now!

By taking the first steps, by taking courage, I'm threatening the shelter it has known.

And I can't blame my insecurity. I can't blame myself.

I can only befriend myself. I can only ignore the viciousness behind its voice and gently provide what it needs most.

Reassurance. 

Reassurance that no matter what happens, I will succeed.
Reassurance that I'm doing an activity for a greater cause.
Reassurance that I will survive.
Reassurance that I will be happen.

Yes, my insecurity  needs reassurance. Before it needs reassurance from other people, I need to provide reassurance from myself first.

I know it's a weird concept that I'm treating my insecurity as something separate entity from me. Like a third party.

But I feel that the path to truly providing the safety and comfort my insecurity craves, is to assure it that there will always be someone who will cheer and support it to become even better.

Insecurity can really be a vicious bitch sometimes.

But sometimes, I think it needs to be showered with love and reassurance.

Yeah, it's a long process.

And it's a process worth working on.

Share to attract

"When you share what you believe in, you attract people who believe what you believe"

Okay. Those aren't my words, but from a tedtalk video I saw.

It struck a chord with me.

That was the reason why I posted on the Courage Club. I shared one of I read from Jon Acuff's "start".

True enough, I discovered another Jon Acuff fan!

Gotta practice sharing a lot then

I think I should create another blog

The world wide web is full of dichotomous opinions.

"You should blog daily" vs. "You shouldn't blog daily"

"You should host it on this site" vs "you shouldn't host it on this site"

For the past few days, I've been toying with the idea of creating a blog at Quora or Medium.

Why?

Because there's traffic there. 

And what will I do with this blogspot blog?

What will I write about when I migrate there?

I don't know. I'm still looking for it!

Following Austin Kleon's advice, I'm creating my flow to identify my stock.

I show up everyday to determine patterns I've never seen before. Truth is, there are a lot of things I never know about myself.

That is why I give myself a chance to write everday, even if I believe that no one is reading the ramblings of a 24 year old woman in this blog.

That is why I show up.

That is why I try the two sides of a dichotomous opinion: to see if it works

The Core of my Creative Soul

I'm a storyteller. Period. 

Every endeavor I took stemmed from that desire. I can't narrate how I came to this realization, but I can  plot what I do feel.

The very reason I was into videogames-Japanese RPGs in particular, was because I wanted to be immersed in the stories. Good vs. Evil. Hope vs. Despair. Friendship and betrayal. Yes, I've played dozens of games. I've lived different lives as JRPG protagonists. Although I no longer play these games, the lessons I've learned, the characters I've met and played, the music I've heard.... all these are etched in the fiber of my being. Because I immersed myself in the stories.

The reason why I could read Edith Hamilton's Mythology, a 200-300 page book without colorful pictures, was because I wanted to be immersed in stories.

The reason why I was obsessed with comics, manga, and anime, was because I wanted to be entertained with the stories.

No wonder I wanted to create my own Visual novels, webcomics, rpgs... I loved stories and I wanted to to tell a story.

At the core of my soul, at the core of my creativity is a burning desire to tell a story.

And that's it.

Everything stems from that.

Make a game? Cool, Let me think of a story.

Webcomic? Cool! Let me think of a story.

Visual Novel? Cool! Let me think of a story.

Illustration? Cool! Let me think of what story it's trying to tell.

Story.

My God.

It took me 2 decades to realize this.

Everything I do in my life is to tell a story.

Courage Club, or Discourage Club?

Leanna and I enrolled in Arriane Serafico's 90 Braver Days Roadmap Challenge.

She paid Php 1,699.00, while I paid Php 3,999.00.

One of the perks of the Php 3,999.00 is being a member of Courage Club.

The Courage Club members receive top most priority for Arriane's mentorship. So when I narrated to Lee the story of the other members, she flashed me a sheepish grin.

"You know, if I paid Php 3,999.00, I would have called that The Discourage Club."

No, it wasn't an insult to the Club.

It's like putting a rock inside a basket of diamonds. 

Lee and I could have been those rocks.

Reality bite: I am that rock in that basket of diamonds!

God, I just realized how low my self-worth is  (laughs!).

Lee and I also had another realization: Most of the people in the Courage Club are creatives. Some already have businesses. Some haven't. Some wants to start their. blog. Some are already have theirs. Really great.. Golly gee, if I never studied Carl Jung, I would have never guessed I'm projecting my Golden Shadow Qualities (oh boy, here I go again!)

And here's another realization:

We all have the same problems. 

The rock shares the same problems with the diamonds. 

Another realization:

Comparison kills you. 

I didn't join the Courage Club to be discouraged and be devoured by my insecurities. I joined because the I wanted to accomplish something different with my life.

I know that we have differences. We all have made different choices. Yet we joined for one thing--- to make our dreams and goals a reality.

This rock... this rock isn't going to be just a rock. It's going to be an awesome rock with mixing with the diamonds in the basket.

And who knows?

 The rock might discover that it had a diamond inside too.

It has always been "Arthy"

I was doing the exercises for the Braver Goals Roadmap today (on July 12, 2016).
There was one exercise that required us to.. oh, due to the terms and conditions, I can't really share what the exercise was.

But my answer was surprising.

I wanted to write Sarasa, but my heart and soul made a different decision:

"It's Arthemis! It will always be Arthy!"

Back in 2002-2006, I still playing Squaresoft's Legend of Mana for the PSOne. You could randomly generate names for the protagonists, and mind you, I LOVED the names that game generated.

...and you guessed it right, "Arthemis" was one of the names that popped out from that random name generator.

The name then became my persona in the internet world. My deviantart account was arthemis-pink. Even my email address (former) was Arthemis Pink. Heck, I would even respond if someone called the name "Arthy" out loud. Adrian, yeah, he called me Arthy too. You could say I was "Arthy" for almost a decade!

Arthemis was born from a period where I was very much active in the creative scene. The period were I was always optimistic about art, jrpgs, and game development. It was a period where I was full of self-confidence.

I think those qualities went out of the window (LOL) for quite some time, but when I did the exercises....I was pleasantly surprised to feel "It's always Arthy!"

Some things, some dreams, some identities.... they will always be the same .