It has always been "Arthy"

I was doing the exercises for the Braver Goals Roadmap today (on July 12, 2016).
There was one exercise that required us to.. oh, due to the terms and conditions, I can't really share what the exercise was.

But my answer was surprising.

I wanted to write Sarasa, but my heart and soul made a different decision:

"It's Arthemis! It will always be Arthy!"

Back in 2002-2006, I still playing Squaresoft's Legend of Mana for the PSOne. You could randomly generate names for the protagonists, and mind you, I LOVED the names that game generated.

...and you guessed it right, "Arthemis" was one of the names that popped out from that random name generator.

The name then became my persona in the internet world. My deviantart account was arthemis-pink. Even my email address (former) was Arthemis Pink. Heck, I would even respond if someone called the name "Arthy" out loud. Adrian, yeah, he called me Arthy too. You could say I was "Arthy" for almost a decade!

Arthemis was born from a period where I was very much active in the creative scene. The period were I was always optimistic about art, jrpgs, and game development. It was a period where I was full of self-confidence.

I think those qualities went out of the window (LOL) for quite some time, but when I did the exercises....I was pleasantly surprised to feel "It's always Arthy!"

Some things, some dreams, some identities.... they will always be the same .

A responsible pet owner...not

I'm going to be honest.

I'm not a responsible pet owner.

Despite the fact that I grew up with dogs.

Despite the fact that we have a cat.

Despite the fact that we have chickens.

Why?

Because I'm not hands-on.

Because I grew up with house helpers to take care of their shit.

Because I don't want to get dirty.

....All the while  I gush over social media or friends how adorable they are.

I know it's an ugly sight to behold, but I needed to be honest with myself if I truly want to change.

Being a responsible pet owner calls for more than emotionally being attached to them.

Being a responsible pet owner is all about getting your hands dirty.... this is something I never wanted to do, until Paphu came.

So thanks little guy.

I know I still have a lot to improve, but I can always take my baby steps... my daily disciplines. One day, I'll wake up and realize how different I am from the pet owner you initially met.

I promise to take care of you. To be responsible for your health and well-being. To show you rules. To be your pack leader.

Love you, Paphu!

Smartphone Zombies

I witnessed a different kind of horror yesterday. 

Our neighbor invited us to have dinner to celebrate her grandson's graduation day. The last timeI saw the kid more than 10 years ago. And who could say no to free food? So when we went inside their house,  I was greeted with a lovely sight:

 Five kids sat beside each other as their eyes made love with their smartphone screens. 

I was transfixed with the scene that greeted me as well. As I slowly absorbed the scene in my head, I caught a glimpse of what my mother must have seen everytime I made love with my playstation games and smartphone as well.

Not a pleasant sight, I tell you. 

Though I'm well aware how different the present generation of children are. When I was their age, I was playing my gameboy and reading comic book magazines. When I was their age, I impatiently waited to go home and play games. When I was their age, I had not idea what the internet was, nor what Friendster was.

Of course I'm well aware of psychological projection. I've done the same thing they're doing. As a matter of fact, I still do it!

I'm aware how it's unfair to compare my childhood with theirs. I'm not saying how horrible these kids are and that their parents should stop them. They're not my children. 

But I just felt sad for myself and for my mom. 

So that was how it felt to be with someone in the same room yet their attention wasn't focused on you. 

I could treat my mom better. I could treat my other friends and acquaintances better. 

It feels so different. I thought I could excuse myself for just staring at the screen when I'm bored  But when you see a bunch of people group together making love with their smartphone screens...

It's a different kind of horror story. 

Criticsim, even constructive ones, hurt!

"...Some technical errors and a few writing choices are weak..."

Ouch, now that hurt!

As I expected, after reading his review I could feel my defenses build up.

I readied to justify the fact that it was something I left unwritten 4 years ago.

Then I stopped.

What the heck was I doing?

Owe it up, girl! The writing sucked!

It's a hard truth to swallow, but yes, my writing was weak. Could or might have been weak.

Anything we give birth to and gets criticized? It hurts.

But you know, it doesn't have to be that way.

Keep in mind, why did I even write that anyway?

I always remind myself, "You have a choice."

A choice to quit and abandon the project, or a choice to persist and continue.

But still, the feeling sucks.

Deal with it. Well, better yet, get used to it!

The immediate response to criticism is to defend ourselves. That's a fact. 

We try to flinch from pain. It's normal. Who doesn't abhor pain?

But feel the pain. Allow yourself to feel it for a couple of seconds. 

Allow yourself to to think and justify.

Then catch yourself in third person observing whatever you are doing.

She's offended.

She's trying to make excuses.

She's trying to defend herself.

She doesn't want to be hurt.

She's being defensive. 

She doesn't want to accept that someone's opinion differs from her.

Weird, yes?

But it helps diffuse the tension and fixation of being hurt. 

Right now, I feel better and grateful. 

Why? Because this comment came from someone whom I never expected to correspond with. 

He asked for a link to my fan fiction, even telling me there was a possibility he might not read it. 

But he still did. He took time, and I respect that. 

My 2012 writing sucks, but I can make a difference for 2016.

I will persist.

Thank you the_rpgenius for unwittingly motivating me to improve my writing ability! 

You might never read this blog, but again, I would like to say thank you!

A Chameleon with No Ambition

"You have no ambition."

I was not surprised. No ouch or anything. I just laughed.

Deep down, I knew it.

She was like a polished mirror who revealed what I had rejected all along.

"You have no ambition, whereas he has the ambition to be a General. But you're the kind who's okay with anything. You're not the choosy. If you were to select a wardrobe, you'd pick anything, whereas he would carefully choose his."

"You're the type of person who can play the role of a poor and rich girl. You know how to adjust. *Kung pobre, kaya mong makibagay. hindi ka namimili. Pero kung mayaman, kaya mo talagang makili-level at kumilos ng mayaman."

*translation: you can mingle with those less fortunate than you. you can also mingle with those way above you on the income level

(the context of the conversation involved a guy I dated in late 2015)

***

Great, so I'm a chameleon with no ambition. 

Am I supposed to be proud of that, or what?

That explains why, ever since as I was young as 6, I didn't know what I exactly wanted to be.

My classmates wanted to be policemen, doctors, successful people.... and I just picked whatever were parents were.

Before, I wanted to be a comic book artist and a videogame developer. Suddenly I wanted to be a writer. 

My ambitions, or a lack of ambition thereof, is like a double-edged sword.

On one end, it gives me the flexibility to adapt. On the other end, I look like a Jack-Of-All-Trades-yet-master-of-none.

I envy people who know what they want, and pursue what they want. I really envy the ones who have the guts to realize their dreams. 

They aren't just dreaming dreams , they are MATERIALIZING their dreams!

Dreams? 

Even my dreams aren't ambitious. 

Just low-key ones.

I dream of the day I will stop working, the day where my little green employees savings will work and multiply themselves for me, the day I can wake up and do whatever I want, the day I don't have to worry about living paycheck to paycheck.

But that's b*llsh*t. We live to work.

Well, at least it's an ambition, nevertheless, yes?

Who and where did Lady Arthemis go?

Lady Arthemis, was, well, a childhood username I created when I was active in the art world. When I  was an active creative. I could say that she was a persona I created. and boy, that persona sure did love to create!

But what happened? Like all children, I grew up. I believe the last time I saw Lady Arthemis was in 2012, when i was preparing for my nurse licensure exam. i was working on a wild arms 2 fancomic in the defunct mangamangazine at that time.  I stopped doing the project. I never saw her again.

I never saw again, that creative part of me, who loved to create, who felt she was born to create. yes, peter pan would be happy if I said I wanted to remain a child forever, but i had to grow up to accommodate reality. 

and it hurts

Yes, i am a functioning adult. Yes, I have savings. Yes, I thinking for my future. Yes,I'm pursing graduate studies. Yes, i am making friends and meeting new people. BUT. there is a but.

 a huge "but".

I am not happy. The creative soul in me is not happy. Because i have forgotten her. I have forgotten arthemis.

and it is ironic that he would remind me of what I had to put aside, of whom I threw away, of whom I forgot. I didn't mean to check his facebook page (i took a long hiatus from that website), but i did. and i remembered a name i had long forgotten.

Like  any person, i would cringe at the email addresses and usernames i had constructed in my youth. Arthemis. Lady Arthemis. The name originated from random name generator in Legend of Mana. The name stuck with me.

I loved to create stories patterned after my favorite games, so I decided to create a character patterned after Wild Arms 2's Antenora. And she was born~ Lady Alicia Clare Arthemis Silverheart. A former princess of Schellion who allied herself with her enemy, Arcion Legionheart (yes, yes,I was very fond of the name "Heart").

Her aim in life was to avenge her family from what Arcion did. oh boy. oh boy.... :( what to do now. what do i do. Anyway, the name stuck and I really really liked it. So I used it when I roamed several forums. 

Then I grew up, took a new username, and... well, I don't like it. My current username is associated with broken and unfulfilled dreams. My old username was filled with hopes and dreams. That username was determined to make dreams into reality.

I want what was associated with that username back.