What to do when a Creative is an Approval Junkie

Sometimes I wonder whether a dream is worth fighting for. 

No, let me rephrase that. 

Sometimes, I wonder whether a dream is worth doing and living. 

I've increased my self-awareness throughout the years. It's not perfect. But I know I'm different than the girl I used to be. 

I realized that I'm an Approval Junkie. 

I used to post my works in various sites online to crave for feedback and approval. I admit that I was easily discouraged when I didn't get what I wanted. 

I had several webcomic projects which I discontinued because number of fans and reviews didn't meet my expectations. (shallow, huh?) After some time, I quit art and focused on my job. 

Yet that didn't really quenched the hunger in my soul-- to create. 

You can take the canvas away from the artist, but you can't take the artist away from the canvas.

A couple of weeks ago after I started my recap blog and my fiction, I had this dream which confirmed what I denied for some time:

I was browsing my twitter notifications. There was this one tweet that told me how brilliant I wrote  my characters and how engaging the story was. He ended it by saying he was awaiting the next update. Enthusiastically, I typed to respond and then I woke up. 

I tried to make sense of that dream with an ebook I bought online. Dreams are the unnconscious trying to tell us something for our benefit. Dreams use symbols to communicate with us. Every symbol is relative. What is the significance of the dream to my life? What is this dream trying to tell me? 

As I followed the step-by-step the exercises, this was the my interpretation:

I prioritize others' approval over my own approval. I value others' validation over my own validation. I prioritize others' appreciation over my appreciation. 

As usual, I reflected: well yes. I never did think highly of myself. I struggled with inferiority complex throughout my childhood. It's no surprise that it extended to how I treat my art. 

As suggested, I came with with this solution:

Before and After I publish my work, I will write my personal comment: congratulating myself and for the effort I made to create it. 

It's a weird ritual. But I feel how important it is to give my own cents before I allow others to tell theirs.To be honest, I've never praised or congratulated myself after making something. I always pinpoint its flaws and how awful it is. I would question whether "they" would like it.

I'm not writing to tell how weird I am,, I'm writing to tell the daily struggles of a person who wants to create something meaningful yet worries whether other people will declare it to have value or not. 

I can't speak for other creatives. But I can speak for myself. 

To conquer my issues, I choose to give myself the approval I seek first. then the rest follows. 

Day by day. 

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Note: 

I've been obsessed with memes for the past few days. I've even incorporated it into my recap blog.

This was supposed to be a serious entry... but I couldn't resist and make fun of myself :)