Beautiful Penmanship

"You're handwriting is beautiful."

I receive a compliments like these.....and strangely, I don't believe them.  In fact, I don't see my penmanship to be beautiful.

"But why, Nurj?" 

Why?

Because I never received the same compliment as a child.

It's a pattern. A ridiculously dangerous pattern it my life. "Whatever happened to me as a kid is the only true thing, and the things that happen when I became an adult aren't true."

To cite an example... physical attractiveness.

I never saw myself as a beautiful person, even as a young child. I saw myself as, "the bestfriend of the most beautiful person in the classroom." I did receive compliments that I was pretty, but the thing is... I never represented beauty pagents, never got approached to become a model, etc.... So in my young mind, I deemed myself to be, "A plain girl who's just in the background."

Now that I'm an adult, the story has changed. I receive a lot of compliments how beautiful, cute or pretty I am  or how they envy my fair skin.

But still... no matter how many compliments I receive... no matter how many men try to hit on me...

I still find it hard to believe.

When you have a negative scripting in your childhood, it can be difficult to change.

But still, things aren't set in stone. I'm optimistic.

So going back to the original topic....I didn't see or believe myself to have a beautiful penmanship as a child. I always saw "them" who had it. For example, I had a classmate named Che-Che in elementary and highschool. Che and I aren't that close. Even though we've been classmates since Pre-school.

Che-Che has a really beautiful penmanship. It looks extremely elegant (okay, maybe "extreme" is highly subjective). I've always heard people telling her she has beautiful penmanship.

Me? Nada.

I tried to improve my own penmanship. My penmanship varies, depending on the pen and paper I'm using.Writing morning pages, however, made me believe my handwriting became ugly. I had to write incredibly fast to jot down my thoughts.

Imaging to my immense surprise when people see my handwriting for the first time and say comments like these: "It's so beautiful!" "It looks like a font."

I'm always surprised.

... and as usual,  I shoot down the comment. "Depends on the Pen". or "No, it's not."

But it really had me thinking....

"Why do I have such a low opinion my abilities?"

3 reasons why Likes, Views and Shares are dangerous

"I thought I was happy in helping the world in my own little way. Unfortunately, I saw someone else helping the world too. I noticed how they received more attention and praise for it. Nobody noticed and praised me like that. I tried to hide it, but deep inside, I knew wanted to receive the same attention like that."

-from someone out there-

You’ve created a masterpiece.  You’ve created something inspirational. You know it will change the world. Whatever it is, you hope the netizens of the world wide web will notice it. With the click of your mouse, it’s finally uploaded. 

You check for the statistics: 2 views and 0 likes. It’s just a matter of time. 

The next day, you check it again: 5 views and 0 likes. Just be patient. You tell yourself.

You check it again the next day. 8 views and 0 likes. Why is the number small? My work is good, it's life-changing! Why aren’t the page views up? Why aren’t the likes up? Why isn’t anybody sharing it? Does it mean that it's relevant?

Is this scenario seem familiar to you?

 I bet if you are a regular poster, you’ve encountered this feeling. I’m guilty of this too. At certain points of my life, I have allowed myself to revolve around the numbers.

And you know what? It’s dangerous. Allow me to tell you why.

1.       You become obsessed. 

       It all starts insidiously. You count the numbers, as if you were collecting Pokemons to fill your Pokedex. Then sooner or later, every now and then, you find yourself looking at the statistics, looking for the next update.

                           “Did someone like it?”                                                “Did someone view it?” 

       You begin to obsess over the numbers, whether they are increasing or not.

       Suddenly it’s not about changing the world, it’s all about placating your ego.

  

.....Which leads us to reason number 2.

2.       You attach your self-worth to the statistics.

“The more, the better.” If a lot of people view or like it, then it must be good right?

Now what happens when the numbers don’t meet your expectations? What happens when no one even likes, or views what you've created?

Yes, you’ve guessed it.  Your ego will be hurt. 

Congratulations, buddy. Welcome to the club where the numbers dictate your self-worth! 

3.       Comparison killed the cat, and yes, it killed you.

Do you know what’s worse than rejection? 

It’s the feeling when you know were rejected for someone better.

It’s the same feeling when something you create something with all your heart, but is passed over by someone who made something with less effort.

Comparison is the name of this ugly game.

We’ve all heard how unhealthy comparison us, or how it’s better to “compare yourself with yourself" to minimize the damage comparison induces.

But what can you do when you catch yourself playing the comparision game?

It sucks. You feel less loved. Because someone is better than you. Negative thoughts begin to seep in. And when you've had enough, you belittle the other person in your head. Oh, I’m much better than this person. Blah blah blah.

Poison seeps because you compared.

But of course, likes, views and shares are not inherently evil.

It is a tool, and how the person uses this tool matters.

If these are used to elevate the ego to gain a sense of self-importance, then it becomes dangerous.

Use your tools wisely.