Adios!

I'm ditching this blog. I should have written this blog post a couple of weeks ago.
But I never had the time. Or should I say, I never made time.

Why quit?

I should start Why I began this blog.

Because I wanted to. I wanted to have a body of work---Writing work. I wanted to create my own space online. I had my own visual space online in deviantart. But I left.

I wrote last year to document my the recent happenings in my life.

I now write to share my thoughts.

....and it's precisely why I'm sharing my thoughts that I'm saying goodbye to this blog.

Ah, but I'm starting a new blog anyway.

What's the difference? Why start a new blog when I'm just going to do the same thing?

Privacy. Anonymity. 

Yep, I won't use my real name anymore.

But why?

Privacy. Anonymity. 

***

2015 was a roller-coaster year for me. A year full of new beginnings and endings:
I left my old job for a new job. I was rejected a US Visa. I ended a long year friendship. I started to study in graduate school. I listened to someone confess. I was burdened on how to handle the confession (should I tell or not). I decided not to interfere in another party's problems. I met someone whom I wanted to have a future with, and a few months later, that person now must go away because of the nature of his job. I met new friends. I started to have an interest in home-making. I started to take watercolor painting lessons. I started to have new dreams. I started to hope. I decided to stop chasing creativity and just, LIVE.

Our GS 101 teacher asked us during our first day, "What symbol would best represent you, and why did you choose that?" 

I answered "Sketchpad. Because it's full of possibilities, like me! I'm also full of possibilities."

So before I fill out that sketchpad, I must close this the old sketchpad. It's full. there are no more pages. I can't believe I'm writing this... but maybe it's a ritual.

Yeah, a ritual.

So adios,mi blog!

'Til I write to revive you again!

Candidate Moves

I always get killed when I play Final Fantasy Tactics. I hated Vagrant Hearts's gameplay.

But I loved Arc the Lad. It was probably the only tactical game I loved to play, and would spend hours on.

Why am I talking about tactical RPGs?

Because, Chess.

Tactical RPGs are like Chess. Every game is unique. It has opening moves. Certain Job classes have their own moves and skills.

 Did I mention that I suck at strategy games like chess?that's what.

James Altucher advocates Chess and Go. I like to learn Go. However, there aren't a lot of players where I live. Either there aren't, or I'm not searching hard. I'll assume there aren't any. But someone is bound to love chess in my area.

Chess. Altucher said, "Look for the candidate moves". he quoted that from another chess grandmaster (whose name I forgot).

What is a candidate move? It's a list of moves a piece can probably make.

I need to play chess, to enhance my thinking. to see the possible candidate moves in my life.

Last October 19, 2015, we had an activity that had a lot of... well, "small failures". Small failures that could have been prevented if, well, candidate moves had been predicted and counter moves were done.

Sadly, there weren't. And one of my biggest mistakes was I didn't learn how to think of the candidate moves.

It sucks. And it's part of learning.

Candidate moves.

A Financial Guidepost

On September 2014, I made the crucial decision to invest in the stock market.

Armed with Bo Sanchez's advice from his books, I subscribed to the Truly Rich Club and opened an account with COL Financial.

I've been investing for a year and a month now. Has my life changed? Yes and No.

No, I am not yet a millionaire. I have yet to save a lot of money and create a business to reach a million.

But my life has subtly changed. Many years ago, I had no idea what the stock market was. I had no idea that you could earn an income,aside from your day job. The stock market, for me, seemed like a jungle. It was reserved for those who knew how to handle money (which is true).

And it was scary! I had no one to guide me, except for a popular lay preacher and several financial literacy blogs.

After reading Brian Kim (another great self-help improvement blogger) and Napoleon Hill's "Think and Grow Rich", I took the jump.

I only had Php 5,000.00 to lose. I cared for my future. I wanted to create a  difference in my life. I was financially illiterate, until I read about financial literacy and bought every book about it.  Better do something than nothing, right?

So I invested 5,000.00 monthly. Gosh, it would have been a waste. Look at the number of luxury and gadgets I could afford! (but I don't buy a lot. I only need a few things to be happy. A notebook and a pen... and internet connection). The story of the grasshopper and the Ant motivated me, that setting aside a portion of my take home pay would make a difference.

After I made the jump and shared my experience with the stock market: all those color red and green, all the dips and leaps my stocks made, all the joy and frustration when I seemed to lose money...

Eventually, a couple of my officemates heard I was already investing in the stockmarket. They would approach me and ask several questions (who's your broker,what is COL Financial, Is it legit, how much have you earned, have you sold...). Eventually, they would ask me how to send their applications to COL Financial, or what stocks to buy. I never pressured them to subscribe to the truly rich club, nor COL Financial.I just narrated my experience, and what I believed in.

It feels weird. A happy kind of weirdness. 

One officemate thanked me that I shared my experiences. She was contemplating to join the stock market scene too. She thought it was not legit... until I came. 

I can't help but smile. At least, in my own little way, with my simple knowledge, I was able to help. I was able to be a source of inspiration. I was able to be a financial guidepost, all thanks to the books and blogs I read about financial literacy.

***I've realized that this has become a sort of testimony for the Truly Rich Club and COL Financial. I just wanted to express my gratitude somewhere. What better place than in my own blog?

10 ideas on what i don't know

What do I get when i mix Think like a Freak (to admit what you do not know, but I can learn, right?) and James Altucher's 10 ideas a day? Inspiration for Idea sex.

Here are my 10 ideas: ideas written on paper that I will dispose,  but ideas I will immortalize in my blog. I hope that one day, maybe one day, I will be able to... succeed! Act on one of them and do something about it.

1. I don't know how to cook yummy food.
2. I don't know how to finish a planned project.
3. I don't know how and where to meet people with common interest.
4. I don't know how to sustain a relationship (friendly, casual, romantic ones).
5. I don't know how to manage my time properly.
6. I don't know how to be a proper or great, or well functioning administrative assistant.
7. I don't know the entire procurement process (related to my work, but I'm hanging by).
8. I don't know the answers to a lot of questions.
9. I don't know how to plan projects, especially when it is asked of me. (no wonder I wasn't a good leader in elementary and highschool).
10. I don't how and what it means to give my all and succeed.
11. I don't know how to be a proper nurse.

*why is there number 11? Because when you exercise the idea muscle... everything starts to flow

Where are you, "Effort"?

So many drafts.
too little published entries.
just what am I doing?
Do I really want to change my life?
Reading a book won't change my life.
But reading a book, learning from a book and applying what I learned might certainly create a change.
Likewise, reading blogs, motivational books, inspirational posts won't change my life.
Unless there is effort.
Effort.
Effort is what differentiates people.
People who give up.
People who fall, stand up and exert effort all over again.
When was the last time I saw "effort"?
When was the last time "effort" caressed me, or visited me for a cup of tea?
Seriously, I need "effort".
Do I need "Effort", or do i already have it?
Is it within me? Is it waiting to be awoken? Is it waiting to be acted upon?

Oh where are you, you magical thing called "effort"?

...
...
...

Oh, I just remembered!

You were always with me.
I was too focused with the front view, that I never saw you were behind me.

10 Sketches a day will eventually make me a Sketch Machine Anyway!

I'm a big, BIG proponent of James Altucher's 10 ideas a day.
I have been practicing it for almost a month now. I make it a point to churn out a minimum of 10 ideas. I average 30-50 ideas a day.

What is the reason why i follow 10 ideas?

It's simple.

But first, let me give you a background.

James Altucher created a daily practice. It has 4 pillars. or legs. to be a healthy and functioning human being, you must practice all 4 legs daily. and what are the four legs?

1. Physical
2. Mental
3. Spiritual
4. emotional

The idea muscle, comes from the second leg, the mental body. write 10 ideas a day and make sure your mental muscle sweats. write 10 ideas daily. it usually takes at least 6 months for any noticeable change. once done on a daily basis, once the idea muscle gains strength, you become an idea machine.

And when you become an idea machine, you rock!

That is the premise of the Daily Practice.

Now just what is this.. 10 sketches?

I believe it is a product of practicing my mental body, or the 10 ideas. Yesterday, I was pondering the mystery of my lost Lady Arthemis, of my lost creative body, when i mused how much weak and it must have atrophied.

Why don't I create 10 sketches. I mean, 10 sketches a day will make me an idea machine.
And the point of 10 ideas a day isn;'t to generate good ideas. part and parcel of the 10 ideas is to churn out ideas, good or bad!it doesn't matter if it looks awful or what. whats important is that... you churn out ideas!

In this case, i have a... not so bad case of perfectionism. but perfectionism nonetheless.

and it's what blocked me all these years (3 years). when i try to create something, the critic in me dissuades me from even attempting. "pathetic piece of shit you are. the only thing you're good at is anime and facials. you keep drawing the same thing"

So i never attempted to create something difficult. something fresh.

Strangely, this has never happened when i churn out ideas.  I do not hear the critic. the voice. the monster. i do not. all i hear is "Well, it doesn't matter! good or bad, the goal is to be an idea machine! i'll be a monster! i'll be awesome!"

Isn't that an interesting notion to be? To sketch, for the sake of sketching. to sketch and smile, because I can sketch, that I am thinking of new ideas. It doesn't have to be good, excellent or very good (I can refine the good ones anyway)

Yesterday, I gave permission and drew a bunch of... flowers, mermaids and whatnot. it's very interesting. Today, i have produced 10 ideas to sketch. and 10 ideas to sketch about flowers and gardens. I am excited to show them to the world. Whether good or not. I am an idea machine. I am a sketch machine,

I rock!

Who and where did Lady Arthemis go?

Lady Arthemis, was, well, a childhood username I created when I was active in the art world. When I  was an active creative. I could say that she was a persona I created. and boy, that persona sure did love to create!

But what happened? Like all children, I grew up. I believe the last time I saw Lady Arthemis was in 2012, when i was preparing for my nurse licensure exam. i was working on a wild arms 2 fancomic in the defunct mangamangazine at that time.  I stopped doing the project. I never saw her again.

I never saw again, that creative part of me, who loved to create, who felt she was born to create. yes, peter pan would be happy if I said I wanted to remain a child forever, but i had to grow up to accommodate reality. 

and it hurts

Yes, i am a functioning adult. Yes, I have savings. Yes, I thinking for my future. Yes,I'm pursing graduate studies. Yes, i am making friends and meeting new people. BUT. there is a but.

 a huge "but".

I am not happy. The creative soul in me is not happy. Because i have forgotten her. I have forgotten arthemis.

and it is ironic that he would remind me of what I had to put aside, of whom I threw away, of whom I forgot. I didn't mean to check his facebook page (i took a long hiatus from that website), but i did. and i remembered a name i had long forgotten.

Like  any person, i would cringe at the email addresses and usernames i had constructed in my youth. Arthemis. Lady Arthemis. The name originated from random name generator in Legend of Mana. The name stuck with me.

I loved to create stories patterned after my favorite games, so I decided to create a character patterned after Wild Arms 2's Antenora. And she was born~ Lady Alicia Clare Arthemis Silverheart. A former princess of Schellion who allied herself with her enemy, Arcion Legionheart (yes, yes,I was very fond of the name "Heart").

Her aim in life was to avenge her family from what Arcion did. oh boy. oh boy.... :( what to do now. what do i do. Anyway, the name stuck and I really really liked it. So I used it when I roamed several forums. 

Then I grew up, took a new username, and... well, I don't like it. My current username is associated with broken and unfulfilled dreams. My old username was filled with hopes and dreams. That username was determined to make dreams into reality.

I want what was associated with that username back. 

12 Ideas on how to be a Real Life JRPG Character (Part 1)

Have you ever played Japanese RPGs (JRPGs) before? It's a popular genre way back in the late 90s until the late 2000s. You play as a hero out to save the world. You play for the plot. (as I used to say!)

 

JRPGs were a big part of my youth. I immersed myself in different worlds and different characters.

 

Now that I'm an adult (23 years old), I no longer have the luxury of to sit in front of my TV screen to play a console game. My 8-5 job sucks the life out of me (I don't hate it, but I feel empty at certain times). But JRPGs never sucked the life out of me. I always had fun with it!So I decided to do a little experiment...

 

I've been reading James Altucher's works for a couple of days now, and I put to test his suggestions: 10 ideas a day and idea sex. 10 ideas on how to make life bearable/interesting plus my love for jrpgs equals 12 ideas on how to be a real life JRPG character

 

Let's rock!

 

1. Dream of doing something different from your routine

 

9-5 job sucking you dry? Don't worry, even my 8-5 job sucks me dry too. Even JRPG heroes are doing something that sucks them dry (before they embark on that journey that changes them. 

 

Stuck in a small village.

Stuck with their parents.

Stuck with their grandparents.

Stuck with their only sibling.

Stuck with the only job they have ever known.

Stuck with *insert whatever comes to your mind*.

 

Lunar 2's main protagonist, Hiro, was stuck as an archaeologist.

Until he saw the light from the Blue Spire.

Until he met Lucia.

 

Lunar SSSC's Alex was stuck in his village and his dreams of becoming a Dragonmaster.

Until Ramus approached him with the idea of stealing Quark's Diamond.

 

Suikoden's Tir McDohl was stuck to live a comfortable life as General Teo's son.

Until he sided with Ted and ran away with the Soul Eater Rune.

 

Alec from Arc the Lad III was stuck in Sasha Village.

Until bandits attacked his beloved village.

 

I've been stuck my whole life. (okay, this is an exaggeration). I am stuck in living a creative life. It's hard. I used to have big dreams as a creative person. Write stories. Write comics. Publish comics. Sell art. Improve my art. Live life as an artist. Along they way, I lost my vision. I lost the dream. and the most painful part of life, is to lose the ability to dream and to lose the ability to execute a dream.

 

Yeah, yeah. Whoever is reading this (including me), have a dream. For God's sake (or whoever you believe in), have a dream. and tell yourself that you will act on this dream. 1% at a time.

 

Action Item: Write 10 dreams on a piece of paper. It doesn't matter how small or big it is. It's important to realize that we have a dream that's different from our jobs.

 

2. Gather a circle of friends who share the same vision as you do.

 

What do Tir McDohl, Riou, Hugo, Lazlo and the Nameless Prince have in common?

 

They're the protagonists of Konami's Suikoden series and they are Pokémon Trainers out to collect all 108 Pokémon to gather the 108 Stars to achieve their goal of overthrowing the bad guys. Not to mention that collecting all 108 Pokémon Stars will unlock the True Ending.

 

A JRPG hero can't be a loner. He needs friends to defeat the baddie with the Power of Friendship (think Fairy Tail!). A typical JRPG hero needs a healer (who's usually the love interest) , a tank, a black mage, a long range shooter and a fury side kick.

 

Look at Grandia. Justin started with Sue and Puffy in his party. He met Feena. He met Gadwin. Then Sue and Gadwin left. Then there was Milda. Rapp. Guido. Liete. His party had to change numerous times. But the Awardee for the ever-changing party goes to the Suikoden Series (108 stars! Just how many combinations can you create for that?? 24,240 combinations! amazing~!)

 

To live this second idea, we (and I) need to be true to ourselves. Be authentic. Meet people. Some people will stick. Some won't. When you do meet the people who stick for what you stand and who you are: "CONGRATULATIONS! New party member acquired!"

 

I don't have a lot of real life friends who share the same interests. I do know a couple, but I haven't tried to connect with them. I have my friends from the student publication I joined in college. we occasionally meet...when work doesn't eat us (Haven't met any ones who like JRPGs, anime, create stories like to make video games, likes to draw---oh, I did. Before. )

 

From my experience, having people who're supportive of your dreams is great! It's truly amazing.

 

Acton Item: Write 10 places where you'll likely meet people who share common interests. It doesn't matter what kind of interest you have. Just write!

 

3. Have the equipment for the journey!

 

Okay, now this isn't exclusive for the "dream". Even routine jobs, or mundane tasks can benefit from this.

 

The characters from the Lunar Series purchase equipment from the next town they visit (because it automatically offers better stats than the previous town!). The characters from Suikoden 1 and 2 needed to see a Blacksmith to sharpen their weapons (and the weapon's names change!)

 

Dream to write? Purchase a pen and a pad of paper or a laptop (if you don't like the previous option)

Dream to sing? Buy a karaoke machine. Go to a karaoke bar and practice.

Dream to be a pianist? Buy a piano. Fine tune any piano in you house.

 

Want to be more efficient with your office job? Check your supplies: are the folders labeled? Are your pens working? Is the stapler even functioning?

Want a clean home? Do I even have a broom to sweep the floor? Soap to wash my dishes?

 

In my opinion, dreams or tasks require a vehicle to take-off. equipment can be a vehicle. It makes traveling from point A to point B possible.

 

 Action Item: Write 10 essential items for the dreams in Action Item #1.

 

 

Part 2 coming soon. 

 

 

 

 

 

Letting Go with Gratitude: A reflection on Marie Kondo's Philosophy

“You, on the other hand, have been led by fate to read it, and that means you probably have a strong desire to change your current situation, to reset your life, to improve your lifestyle, to gain happiness, to shine.”

-          - Marie Kondo, Your real life begins after putting your house in order from Chapter 5: the Magic of tidying dramatically transforms your life.”

Fate led me to her book, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, when I was troubled.

 I visited National Bookstore in SM Ecoland, one Saturday afternoon. I had no intention to buy books that day.

 “I’ll just browse around and see what books I might purchase an e-copy of”. I told myself.

I went to the second floor, and skimmed over the lifestyle & arts section…. That’s when I saw it. I held it in my hand, a cute aqua-colored hard bound book about organizing. I flipped the book to see its price tag. “Php 600.00 +”. Uhm, no thanks. I already had a lot of books about organizing, and I had no interest to add another book in my house. However, I took note of the author and the title, and skimmed for other books.

When I arrived home, with the grace of… the internet and my search skills, I was able to procure a copy of the book.

I read the book, not thoroughly, but I skimmed over it, and grasped important concepts :

“Does it spark joy?”

 “Sort by catergory”.

But today, I’m not writing about those.  (that’s another story).

I want to write about two core themes I found after I re-read the book & reflected on my life choices.

These are the core themes that strongly resonated within me as I read the book:

1.      "In life, we focus on the things we do not want or like. We forget that in order to live a happy life, you must live a lifestyle that brings you joy. That includes living in a house, where the items we own supports that lifestyle. The items also bring, or spark joy. ”

2.       “The things that no longer spark joy, we must let go with a grateful heart. These objects, at one or numerous point in our lives, brought joy (the moment we bought it), and taught us an important lesson. When things no longer spark joy, be thankful, & wish them well that it finds another person who will love them.”

Why did I decide to write about these? What significance does it have for me?

Before I saw this book, I was troubled. I contemplated on making a crucial decision.:  to end a long-distance friendship with someone whom I had great years with.  It was a bond born from common interests. Sadly, in my view, the friendship had become toxic for both of us. 

I contemplated… and contemplated… and in the end, I made the decision.

And I won’t lie: that decision affected me, in a negative way. But I had to survive. I had to cope. I have an 8-5 PM job. I have a Master’s Degree to finish. I still had a lot to live for… yet…. Yet…why was I still affected, when I made that resolve?

Enter Marie Kondo. I initially wanted to clean my stuff, so I re-read the book again, intent to absorb its message.  Then I read a chapter: “Letting go of the objects and thanking them for what they have done” (that wasn’t the title, but its content.)

With that chapter, I reflected.  The book, the chapter, the people in my life, the experiences in my life.

Had I taken time to be grateful, really grateful?

Had I taken time to express my thankfulness for the people around me?

Had I taken time to contemplate about the friendships that I cut off or took for granted?

If I were to apply Marie Kondo’s philosophy, or the core themes to the friendships that were very important to me, it would go like this:

Case scenario # 1:

Many years ago, a very dear friend had let go of me. It destroyed me. I couldn’t comprehend why that person had let me go. We had good times together. We both had the same interests,  yet why? Why let me go? How could that person do that to me?

I became depressed after that. I became a cynic.  It had affected me, in a negative way. The experience altered my perspective about friendship.

It took me years to understand and realize that people change. That friends and relationships are impermanent. That the only thing that’s permanent in this world, is change.

At that young age, I understood the fairy tale concept of “together forever”.

At that young age, I did not understand that “change is forever.”

At that young age, I did not understand that bitterness was a choice.

At that age, I did not understand that…. You could let go with gratitude.

At that age, all I knew that to let go, was not and never an option.

From that age, until my early twenties.. or until this book, I never thought that letting go with gratitude could be an option.

It makes sense now.

 I can now say to that person: “Thank you for the 8 years of our friendship. I am sad that we had to part ways, that we became different persons, with different perspectives and beliefs, even though we shared the same hobbies and interests. Perhaps, I no longer brought joy to you. It’s sad. I will never now the answer. But I do not need to know that now. I know I clung to you. I tried very hard to. I tried not to let go of your hand, when you had already let go. I kept chasing after you… but now, it’s different. While I do want what we had to last forever, perhaps it wasn’t meant to be. Perhaps our friendship was mean to last for 8 years."

“I thank you for helping me become the person I am today. I thank you for teaching me that relationships… friendships, are impermanent. I thank you for teaching me the value of friendship. I thank you for teaching me that I must never think my skills are the best, that I must always strive to learn and improve my craft. Thank you for those 8 years, that I was able to experience a friendship, that kind of friendship that you will have with someone who’s creative. Intense. Magical. Full of Possibilities.Thank you for teaching me what it meant to be a creative. Thank you for showing me that we a single person cannot be the only source of our happiness. Thank you for teaching me that not all people, will be together. We have been close friends for 8 years, and it has been 8 years since we have walked separate ways. We have made different  friends, created new bonds with other people, and have embarked on different careers. Yes, we are both different from the people we used to be. And our experience as friends for 8 years, helped shaped us now.

Yes, I can no longer afford to be bitter, when it has not served me well for the last few years.

Gratitude is a much more appealing option now.

Case Scenario #2: 

The recent friendship that I let go. The one that had insidiously toxic (for both of us).

"Looking back, I enjoyed the 8 years we shared, of people sharing the same interests and hobby. After I lost my 8 year friendship with someone, you came. Were you a substitute for the one I lost? I do not know. Maybe God sent you for a reason. But you don't believe in God. Well, I do. perhaps that reason was that I had to learn something from you. It lasted for 8 years… until I chose to let go. Despite telling you how amazed I was at how a long distance friendship like ours had lasted."

"I have become a different person, different from whom you knew those many years ago. My real life experiences of hurt, of happiness, of sorrow, of faith, of dreams and of insights have changed me. They have changed the way I think. Perhaps, the same way how the other person had changed and let me go.

"Those changes have led me to do something to you that seemed grave, hurtful, insensitive, inconsiderate, inhumane or evil. That was letting go of you. Letting go of something that had a lot of potential. And you did let go of me too, after telling me not to…But not without telling me how and what a coward and evil I person was. That whatever I was planning to do in the future would be smeared with evil since what i have done to you was inhumane." 

I can no longer take back or undo what I have done, for the only option I have is to move forward. I have chosen to embark on a different path. The same path my previous friend had done to me, an act that I thought was evil, insensitive and cruel too. An act that changed me for a couple of years, until now. Until I have connected the puzzle pieces in my life. Perhaps, that this is the duration of our friendship too. 8 years. Does it pain me? Yes. But will I allow it to pain me forever?

No. I have pained myself with my previous friendship, and I have learned my lesson. It is… to forgive myself and the other party, (even when there is no need to) to look back at my and our experiences, with a grateful heart instead of bitterness. "

Lessons will keep repeating in life, unless we have learned from them.

“Thank you for teaching me what it means to fight for what you believe in. thank you for teaching me the good and the bad of being dependent on another person. Thank you for teaching me how to follow and live your dreams. Thank you for teaching me to value time and work management in projects. Thank you for teaching me the effects of procrastination in a project. Thank you for teaching me what it means to be a human, to be hurt, to grieve, to express, to express anger, to despair, to throw a tantrum. Thank you for teaching me that it is better to be frank, rather than to hide from excuses. Thank you for making me realize that the saying “you sow what you reap” is true. Thank you for teaching me that I could love. Thank you for making me realize that I have been selfish. Thank you for teaching me that I could let go. Thank you for teaching me that I can be as kind as I can be cruel, or I can be as cruel as I can be kind.”

Perhaps these people will never read this. I hope they won’t. They do not need to read this message. But if they do (given that this is a blog)... ah, Only time will tell.

To apply another philosophy of Marie Kondo, the purpose of a gift is to be received. A gift it is not a thing, but a means to convey one’s feelings. Once the person has received the gift, it has already fulfilled its purpose---that is to be received.

The purpose of this blog entry is to be read, to convey my thoughts and feelings, that perhaps someone, who has been in the same shoes as I have, will find enlightenment with this entry---To inform them that they are not alone. that someone, on one side of the globe, has been hurt by a friend, and has hurt a friend.

This is my greatest wish. A wish that can only be answered with time.

Marie Kondo said, “Fate led you to read this book.”

Everything happens for a reason. Reading this book not only gave me information on how to discard objects and organize my house. It gave me a better perspective on how to view loss and letting go.

Am I writing this to save my pride? To lessen the pain? I do not know. Maybe. Maybe Not.

To end this, entry, I have swam in the rivers of hell. In that river, all I saw was pain, despair, and darkness. But when I decided to raise my head, to follow the light, to choose to leave the river, and only then did I see, that there was another river. I could swim in another river, a river of heaven.

*Footnote: I definitely recommend any person to pick up Marie Kondo's Book. 

Morning Pages to the Rescue!

With the recent events in my life, I have armed myself with a blue pen and a blue notebook. With my equipment, I have begun to write Morning Pages again.

The Morning Pages is an exercise I accidentally discovered 5 years ago. The idea originated from Julia Cameron's best-selling book "The Artist's Way." It’s straight from the head writing. 3 pages long-hand, stream-of-thought writing. It’s writing whatever comes out of your head, and you cannot censor what you write. You just write them on the paper, even if it seems nonsense. It’s done after waking up.I discovered them during a period where I was in troubled relationship with a man. 5 Years later, I now find myself troubled in a relationship with another man. Morning Pages to the rescue!

I started to write them since 2010 and they have often evolved to “Afternoon Pages”, “Evening Pages”, “Love Letters to God”,  or “Journal Book”. I have filled 5 hard bound notebooks since 2010. I started from writing 3 pages daily, to writing a day’s worth of 2-5 pages of conscious journaling.

Yet writing and pouring all your thoughts on paper after waking up, fresh from waking up, is a different matter.

Since starting the morning pages, I have taught myself to wake 30 minutes earlier.

What am I hoping to get from this activity? Healing? Recovery? Answers? God? My buried passion for the creative arts?That my life will change? That I will discover a profound truth about life, and that fact will absolutely change me?

So far, all I’m getting are complaints. Complaints of writing the pages. Daily troubles. Ruminations of what’s happening to my life. Complaints of my daily struggles. My life is filled with them, according to the pages.

No signs of creativity or whatsoever.

But still, I continue to write. I will still write. It is a commitment I made to myself.

To write the morning pages, 3 pages daily. To save myself. To discover myself. To heal myself. To reflect on my choices and decisions.

…One day and 3 pages at a time.