“You, on the other hand, have
been led by fate to read it, and that means you probably have a strong desire
to change your current situation, to reset your life, to improve your
lifestyle, to gain happiness, to shine.”
- - Marie Kondo, Your real life begins after putting
your house in order from Chapter 5: the Magic of tidying dramatically
transforms your life.”
Fate led me to her book, The
Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, when I was troubled.
I visited National Bookstore in SM Ecoland,
one Saturday afternoon. I had no intention to buy books that day.
“I’ll
just browse around and see what books I might purchase an e-copy of”. I
told myself.
I went to the second floor, and
skimmed over the lifestyle & arts section…. That’s when I saw it. I held it
in my hand, a cute aqua-colored hard bound book about organizing. I flipped the
book to see its price tag. “Php 600.00 +”. Uhm,
no thanks. I already had a lot of books about organizing, and I had no
interest to add another book in my house. However, I took note of the author
and the title, and skimmed for other books.
When I arrived home, with the
grace of… the internet and my search skills, I was able to procure a copy of
the book.
I read the book, not thoroughly,
but I skimmed over it, and grasped important concepts :
“Does it spark joy?”
“Sort by
catergory”.
But today, I’m not writing about
those. (that’s another story).
I want to write about two core
themes I found after I re-read the book & reflected on my life choices.
These are the core themes that
strongly resonated within me as I read the book:
1. "In
life, we focus on the things we do not want or like. We forget that in order to
live a happy life, you must live a lifestyle that brings you joy. That includes
living in a house, where the items we own supports that lifestyle. The items
also bring, or spark joy. ”
2. “The
things that no longer spark joy, we must let go with a grateful heart. These
objects, at one or numerous point in our lives, brought joy (the moment we
bought it), and taught us an important lesson. When things no longer spark joy,
be thankful, & wish them well that it finds another person who will love
them.”
Why did I decide to write about
these? What significance does it have for me?
Before I saw this book, I was troubled.
I contemplated on making a crucial decision.:
to end a long-distance friendship with someone whom I had great years
with. It was a bond born from common
interests. Sadly, in my view, the friendship had become toxic for both of us.
I contemplated… and contemplated… and in the end, I made the
decision.
And I won’t lie: that decision
affected me, in a negative way. But I had to survive. I had to cope. I have an
8-5 PM job. I have a Master’s Degree to finish. I still had a lot to live for…
yet…. Yet…why was I still affected, when I made that resolve?
Enter Marie Kondo. I initially
wanted to clean my stuff, so I re-read the book again, intent to absorb its
message. Then I read a chapter: “Letting
go of the objects and thanking them for what they have done” (that wasn’t the
title, but its content.)
With that chapter, I reflected. The book, the chapter, the people in my life, the
experiences in my life.
Had I taken time to be grateful,
really grateful?
Had I taken time to express my
thankfulness for the people around me?
Had I taken time to contemplate
about the friendships that I cut off or took for granted?
If I were to apply Marie Kondo’s
philosophy, or the core themes to the friendships that were very important to me, it would go like this:
Case scenario # 1:
Many years ago, a very dear
friend had let go of me. It destroyed me. I couldn’t comprehend why that person
had let me go. We had good times together. We both had the same interests, yet why? Why let me go? How could that person
do that to me?
I became depressed after that. I
became a cynic. It had affected me, in a
negative way. The experience altered my perspective about friendship.
It took me years to understand
and realize that people change. That friends and relationships are impermanent.
That the only thing that’s permanent in this world, is change.
At that young age, I understood
the fairy tale concept of “together forever”.
At that young age, I did not
understand that “change is forever.”
At that young age, I did not
understand that bitterness was a choice.
At that age, I did not understand
that…. You could let go with gratitude.
At that age, all I knew that to
let go, was not and never an option.
From that age, until my early
twenties.. or until this book, I never thought that letting go with gratitude
could be an option.
It makes sense now.
I can now say to that person: “Thank you for
the 8 years of our friendship. I am sad that we had to part ways, that we
became different persons, with different perspectives and beliefs, even though
we shared the same hobbies and interests. Perhaps, I no longer brought joy to
you. It’s sad. I will never now the answer. But I do not need to know that now.
I know I clung to you. I tried very hard to. I tried not to let go of your hand,
when you had already let go. I kept chasing after you… but now, it’s different.
While I do want what we had to last forever, perhaps it wasn’t meant to be.
Perhaps our friendship was mean to last for 8 years."
“I thank you for helping me
become the person I am today. I thank you for teaching me that relationships…
friendships, are impermanent. I thank you for teaching me the value of
friendship. I thank you for teaching me that I must never think my skills are
the best, that I must always strive to learn and improve my craft. Thank you
for those 8 years, that I was able to experience a friendship, that kind of
friendship that you will have with someone who’s creative. Intense. Magical.
Full of Possibilities.Thank you for teaching me what it meant to be a creative. Thank you for showing me that we a single person cannot be the only source of our happiness. Thank you for teaching me that not all people, will be together. We have been close friends for 8 years, and it has been 8 years since we have
walked separate ways. We have made different friends, created new bonds with other people,
and have embarked on different careers. Yes, we are both different from the
people we used to be. And our experience as friends for 8 years, helped shaped
us now.
Yes, I can no longer afford to be
bitter, when it has not served me well for the last few years.
Gratitude is a much more
appealing option now.
Case Scenario #2:
The recent friendship that I let
go. The one that had insidiously toxic (for both of us).
"Looking back, I enjoyed the 8
years we shared, of people sharing the same interests and hobby. After I lost
my 8 year friendship with someone, you came. Were you a substitute for the one I lost? I do not
know. Maybe God sent you for a reason. But you don't believe in God. Well, I do. perhaps that reason was that I had to learn something from you. It lasted for 8 years… until I chose to let go. Despite telling
you how amazed I was at how a long distance friendship like ours had lasted."
"I have become a different person,
different from whom you knew those many years ago. My real life experiences of hurt,
of happiness, of sorrow, of faith, of dreams and of insights have changed me. They
have changed the way I think. Perhaps, the same way how the other person had
changed and let me go.
"Those changes have led me to do
something to you that seemed grave, hurtful, insensitive, inconsiderate,
inhumane or evil. That was letting go of you. Letting go of something that had a lot
of potential. And you did let go of me too, after telling me not to…But not
without telling me how and what a coward and evil I person was. That whatever I was planning to do in the future would be smeared with evil since what i have done to you was inhumane."
I can no longer take back or undo what I
have done, for the only option I have is to move forward. I have chosen to
embark on a different path. The same path my previous friend had done to me, an
act that I thought was evil, insensitive and cruel too. An act that changed me for a couple of years, until now. Until I have connected the puzzle pieces in my life. Perhaps, that this is the duration
of our friendship too. 8 years. Does it pain me? Yes. But will I allow it to
pain me forever?
No. I have pained myself with my
previous friendship, and I have learned my lesson. It is… to forgive myself and the other party, (even when there is no need to) to look back at my
and our experiences, with a grateful heart instead of bitterness. "
Lessons will keep repeating in
life, unless we have learned from them.
“Thank you for teaching me what
it means to fight for what you believe in. thank you for teaching me the good
and the bad of being dependent on another person. Thank you for teaching me how
to follow and live your dreams. Thank you for teaching me to value time and
work management in projects. Thank you for teaching me the effects of
procrastination in a project. Thank you for teaching me what it means to be a
human, to be hurt, to grieve, to express, to express anger, to despair, to
throw a tantrum. Thank you for teaching me that it is better to be frank,
rather than to hide from excuses. Thank you for making me realize that the
saying “you sow what you reap” is true. Thank you for teaching me that I could
love. Thank you for making me realize that I have been selfish. Thank you for
teaching me that I could let go. Thank you for teaching me that I can be as
kind as I can be cruel, or I can be as cruel as I can be kind.”
Perhaps these people will never
read this. I hope they won’t. They do not need to read this message. But if they do (given that this is a blog)... ah, Only time will tell.
To apply another philosophy of
Marie Kondo, the purpose of a gift is to be received. A gift it is not a thing,
but a means to convey one’s feelings. Once the person has received the gift, it
has already fulfilled its purpose---that is to be received.
The purpose of this blog entry is
to be read, to convey my thoughts and feelings, that perhaps someone, who has
been in the same shoes as I have, will find enlightenment with this entry---To
inform them that they are not alone. that someone, on one side of the globe, has been hurt by a friend, and has hurt a friend.
This is my greatest wish. A wish
that can only be answered with time.
Marie Kondo said, “Fate led you
to read this book.”
Everything happens for a reason. Reading
this book not only gave me information on how to discard objects and organize my house. It gave me a
better perspective on how to view loss and letting go.
Am I writing this to save my
pride? To lessen the pain? I do not know. Maybe. Maybe Not.
To end this, entry, I have swam in the rivers of
hell. In that river, all I saw was pain, despair, and darkness. But when I
decided to raise my head, to follow the light, to choose to leave the river, and
only then did I see, that there was another river. I could swim in another
river, a river of heaven.
